Mirror Mirror on the Wall…

surfers head for the waves at Balian Beach, Bali, Indonesia

Last night I came across Alexandra’s Goddess site. (www.mygoddesslife.com). I’d never been there before in spite of knowing Alexandra when she was in Bali. I went, curious as to how this Goddess, now living LA, had dealt publicly with the break up of her fiancee.

Amazingly enough Alexandra kept right on being a goddess, through the pain and the ensuing upheaval of her life. Her words gave me faith. She did tell the world they were splitting up and that she was in a sense “homeless”, and while not revealing the depth of her despair, she instead focused on the love she wanted to be and to draw into her life.

I latched onto her words – words of hope and trust in spite of complete lack of evidence in her life (and in mine right now!) – of what she really wanted.

From Alexandra’s blog (www.mygoddesslife.com):

Intimacy & Love
“The purpose of your intimacy is the passionate transmission of love, the rejuvenative healing of sexual energy, and the cultivation of heart through your mutual commitment to spiritual awakening.” David Dieda

This is the way I desire to move in the world!! We, as women, are powerful, we are divine and magnetic!! We have so much more power than we even know! And, we have so much more to give to our lovers!! We need to connect to this divine self, and be strong in our essence so that we can radiate love and attract the perfect partners and heal this planet. Divine love is possible! – -Alexandra.

After an hour of reading Alexandra’s blog, I checked my email. There in my in box was an email from, let’s call him, Peter. I opened it with trepidation. “Peter” was a dear friend in Bali, a man with whom something had been sparked, had begun, but then who had stopped communicating shortly before he left Bali, leaving me once again in a space of feeling abandoned, entirely unsure as to why things had ended.

I’d managed to heal my heart over the past three weeks, or had I simply begun to numb it again? I’ve tossed aside so many of the things I had adopted into my new life – little to no alcohol for example. Only healthy food, daily meditation, regular yoga classes, inspiring classes. To read his email was to risk reopening a wound.

I read it. And I was both saddened and relieved. “Peter” had karmic-ly closed his part of the deal and explained why he had stopped talking and apologized.

The heaviness I felt after reading the email was a sign that I had not processed the pain, but had simply tried to ignore it, numb it…and so as I went into my meditation this morning, I decided to be with it. The ache filled my chest and spilled out as I admitted to drawing into my life once again someone whom I had begun to open my heart to, who had then shut me out. Memories of a 20+ year marriage in which this was a recurring theme, swept over me. Through me.

The point of this blog is mirroring and attraction. Last night when I focused on Alexandra’s words of love, I drew “Peter’s” energy into my life – to make reparations to a friendship that had heated up and had then been snuffed out.

Then as I sat with the pain this morning (go through it Robin, not around it!), even before the sun was up, my phone beeped: “It is with heavy heart that I announce that “Robert” and I are splitting up”, “Ginger’s” sms said. “I am looking for a place to live …..”

That makes two now. My two closest girlfriends in Bali experiencing the ends of relationships. Hurt. Sadness. Grief.

Jeez this mirror thing is relentless and ruthless.

Whereupon I immediately sms’d “Ginger” back to tell her that she could stay in my house until I find renters…that we’d talk in an hour.

But then I had a moment of wondering, what is going on here? Is my reaction to “Ginger” what it seems on the surface? The desire to comfort a friend in pain? Or more? Is she to be the companion who is plugged into the healing arts – something I so need access to now, but have begun to feel cut off from? A practical, organized Virgo to help me wrap up the house before I leave, manage it while I am gone? A way to comfort myself by comforting her?

Or is it simpler than all that? Is “Ginger” a mirror of what I focused on this morning, the pain of a promising relationship gone sour? Am I bringing more into my life of what I wish to leave behind, i.e. sadness and the grief that comes with the sudden, inexplicable end of a relationship? Ensuing bitterness and feelings of rejection?

Jeez, I so hope not.

Then what do I want?

My Manifest-o
I am creating a life of peace. Joy. Beauty. Growth. Expansion. Love, Love, and more Love. Between friends, and with a soul mate. Financial prosperity. Freedom. Laughter. Understanding. Kindness and compassion. Exploration. Wonder.

I, Robin Sparks, personify beauty, light, radiance, inspiration, love, awakening, aware, alive, fit, vital, vigorous, wonder-filled, sexually vibrant, peaceful, receptive. Self-loving.

I am manifesting a loving companion with whom I am awakening into life. Growing together spiritually and experimenting with a depth of love unknown to either of us. Commitment. Communication that is open, fearless, kind, all-loving.

I am creating organization and order in my life and affairs as I prepare for my upcoming move from Bali to Istanbul: Debts paid off, bills organized and paid in a timely manner. Business run in a way that is beneficial to all and creates financial prosperity and freedom.

I am creative and productive: My experiences poured daily back out into the world from Spirit onto page and into a book that speaks to many. A speaking and teaching career.

I am committed to a regular spiritual practice that serves as a foundation, a spring board for growth and maturity and love to grow.

I nourish myself day to day, moment to moment with friends, events, food, experiences, quiet time, ideas and words of wisdom which nourish me.

What about “Ginger”? I have a new beautiful home. Of course I will share it with her. And rather than fear that I am drawing more of my shadow, I will act in complete trust that as I focus on what I want, that those are the qualities I will attract – and share with those whom I draw into my life.

And so, it is with a light trusting heart that I sign off on this journal this morning. And a heart full of gratitude,
Robin